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  • Writer's pictureSandra Lee

pass the lips please!

but hold the tongue!

one of my favorite clients was in my chair yesterday and as usual we talked of our men troubles. the conversation that ensued had us doubled over in laughter and i, as always, have a shitload to say on the matter, of, well, kissing and the fact that so many people are BAD at it.

and i say 'people' rather than 'men' as i am just barely enough politically correct to realize that there are some women who are bad kissers. as i have kissed some women. but in my experience, (and let's just say i have a lot) the percentage of uber-ly inept male kissers are around 34%, mediocre kissers, 58%.. and a minority of AH Maze Ing kissers at around 7%, leaving a 1% undecided as to what category they are in because i haven't kissed them yet.

how do i know these things? quantity! i am not shy about macking with a complete stranger, and have had the most mind-blowing lip contact with someone with whom i have only had eye contact with. but the mind-blowing kisses with a stranger on the dance floor at Polly Ester's in SF or at the Van Halen concert will have to be on another day's blog.

because we are talking about the baddies here, and at this time.

so, the client in my chair starts expounding on just why she is having issues with dating a new guy. he is one of the worst kissers, she says. she says he just lays his big fat tongue in her mouth, right from the start. i say i getcha sister. and i proceed to tell her what i have come up with, on the subject of the art of kissing.

mainly, it's the TONGUE.

kissing is something you warm up to. it's an intimate act that cannot and SHOULD not be jumped into (altho there ARE times when you hit someone at a gallop and knock 'em down and go crazy) but in general, it starts out S L O W. get it? kissing can and should start with many other body parts. and my mantra has always been, let the woman introduce the tongue, IF and WHEN she wants to.

the world is not balanced and fair, i know! but i stand by that last statement, 100%. trust me on this one, guys. and if she wants the tongue immediately, wet and thrusting, she will let you know.

it's gotten so that i will premise the first kiss with that statement, about letting the woman decide tongue, or no tongue, or when, tongue. or maybe soon after if i feel that the tongue is making an early intrusion. oh, i'm nice about it, but blunt and honest. most guys i've been with have appreciated my broaching the subject, and this discussion before during and after has often broken the ice, in the art of mashing one's face to another.

or, i can say it another way, more intently, if the need arises. and this is how it goes--DO NOT jam your wet fat pointy pillowy heavily coated thrusting fleshy muscular organ used for tasting, licking, swallowing, articulating speech, down my throat within seconds of your face coming within inches of mine. sometimes, this approach is necessary, painful tho it is.

with one guy, i never even came in contact with his lips, as his tongue was sticking out, wet and pointy. i tried to maneuver around his tongue aimed in my direction, my head bobbing and weaving, trying to avoid contact with it, but he just kept turning and pointing it at me. huh?

and then there's the guy that just everything is wrong, off, and there's no working with what he's got. one where you can't even make suggestions to make it workable. that happened to me. which, percentage-wise, is likely to happen, as i have estimated that i've kissed more people than there are days in a year. kissing him was like kissing a bowl of applesauce. or writhing mealy worms, with his mealy worm tongue crawling around between his super soft mealy worm lips. i sighed, and turned away.

there was just no working with that.

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