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Looking Over the Edge

this is how it goes.

i feel a change coming on. a little amoeba. may take months, sometimes years...more recently that germinating time get shorter and shorter- when the seed takes root and the change occurs.

it took years to leave the J-Dubs and my ex husband- had it in mind, mind you- however, needed the catalyst of my mother's dying to give me the boot to my backside.

felt like i stepping off a cliff, or on a small canoe with no paddle in a fast flowing river. i stepped off the cliff every morning, felt the speed of the river beneath my boat, half expecting Armageddon to finally happen, because of my brashness at finally going. tho i had fear, the fear was second in line to the power of my life-path. all i could do was hold on... what a killer ride that was...

...as i went from a law abiding repressed suppressed good girl Jehovah's Witness, to a go-go pole-dancing sexually explorative singing acting writing painting dancing traveling college attending life experience-r. that change happened 14 years ago.

last year after visiting Italy, (the second catalyst) i felt that powerful big U with her boot to my backside again... and when i procrastinated, and back-peddled into the safety of the Metrix- i got deathly ill with a lung infection. as it were, my spirit got tired of me flapping my lips about changing my life, because instead of cliff jumping, i went right back to the slogging away at what is called 'making a living'. that belief system self needed to be killed, and i was the only one who could kill her. so that the others selves could live. they had been patient long enough.

that was a year ago. lots of changes, all amazing and forward moving. and yet in the last few months i have felt my true self being extremely irritated and frustrated. what?! a NOTHER change?

oh shit.

the other worrying fear based child belief system selves starting raising their voices and babbled to each other... what IF? what IF the bitch REALLY quits her JOB?? can't she see that her numbers in the Matrix baNk account is dwindling??

those worrying fear based children start clawing at my clothes and flying hair.....as

my toes are hanging over the edge...

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