the Sinner

bible thumper that i have been- and in my exodus of such a state- i have developed a fascination with many many subjects previously thought to be evil, bad, immoral.... a sin.

and in my rumination of such topic, i thought about Cain and Abel, and Caleb and Aaron. the book East of Eden, all about good and evil, about choice verses law, the Hebrew word Timshel, the most important word in the world and to me.

i asked my gentle peace loving self, could i commit the worst sin ( IMO ) murder? and tho my emotions balked at such a thought, i remembered a time when a young 15 year old girl was stalking my son, for a year, calling 30 times a day, breaking into our house and laying her picture out on his bed, crying and saying they will be together forever, and sending a couple of gun toting drugged up thugs to our house and telling my son they would shoot him that night...oh yes, i could put someone in the ground...

and then it went.. my thoughts that is. about sin and how i feel much different about the word at this point.

i am much much more relaxed about sin. in fact, so relaxed, i would say that at this stage in my life, it may not exist. after all, who's to draw that line in the sand...

however, then my mind bends backward, and i say, it's me who decides.

for example, there's something in me that says i absolutely cannot make my self eat a single grape out of the produce section of a grocery store, without paying for it first. cannot, have not, and will not, ever. i've actually tried. and it makes me indignant when i see others doing it. and furious for some reason. it's stealing, i wanna yell! but have sex with someone who is not my husband and may be someone else's husband? sure, why not, it's not my moral dilemma.

oh, i could write reams and reams of paper on how i view the showing of affection/love/sex/swinger-ish/sharsies/commune living/humans are not monogamous animals/let's take the word 'cheating' and being 'faithful' out of the equation-type discussion, not to mention the previously held belief that when i choose to make out with a woman- it is über bad in the eyes of God and also in some social/religious/political realms.

instead, i make new guidelines of my OWN, and draw my own lines in the sand. oh i could write of many many more levels of what i thought was previously a sin, and is now just a fun night out in the city. i no longer have the fear that i will die at Armageddon for my sinful thoughts and actions. because i am sure i will die at Armageddon. if 'it' ever comes. no angst about that final ax. i'm ready.

but in the meantime, i will continue to live my L I F E with Timshel, choice, thou mayest, the Way is Open...tattoed on my body as close to my heart, the seat of motivation.

i painted this Sinner. and will many more times.