i'm reticent and reluctant. but my urge to write of what i feel is pretty much un plugged and must... come.. out.
i am exploring the realm of death, once again, but in the context of taking one's own life. as my friend Robin did.
we all take it so personally. when it has so little or nothing to do with us. we seem to be hurt by it more than the 'average' or 'normal' death, say, of old age and maybe cancer of the liver at a ripe old age of 88...it's even against the law! as if somehow the government thinks it can control that, too.
even in the case of an accidental death -while we rage and grieve over the tragicness of the event (especially if it's a young person) there isn't this intense need to find out WHY -- like we do when someone takes their own life. there's incredible gossip and judgment that goes on, was he depressed? selfish? ill? out of his mind? could we have talked him out of it? helped him? was he on meds? how could he do this to US, and his wife, his children, those that loved him, his fans, the President, China--he made us laugh, and feel good, wasn't that enough for him- to want to keep living, for US? we assume it was because he was dissatisfied or depressed or weak to take his own life, but what if he made the decision after much pondering and consideration, and did it because he was strong,sure of what he wanted, and it was to move on to something else-now. what if he was just 'done?' had done all he wanted and had his fill and was finished? with the stuff of this world?
when you think about it, when IS it a good time to make the decision to make an early exit from life -built on choice rather than old age, illness, or accident? NEVER, you say!!!! ... but i say--- bravely, and after much of my own pondering, YES, sometimes. if you choose. there definitely is the option. and choice. who are we to say to another- oh no, you cannot take it into your own hands, on your own terms, your own timetable... you have to wait and see how Life ends it for you, like the rest of us..! it has nothing to do with anyone except yourself. and tho it's none of my business, maybe he waited longer than he desired,because of his children, wife, friends, ...us.
i was not happy about the decision that Robin made. i was heartbroken. shocked. i wanted more time with him. i wanted him to give more to me, to us, to the world. but that was me, being selfish. and within 24 hours of his death, i started coming to an powerful understanding without knowing exactly what his reasons were. and i don't need to sort that part out. Robin looked after himself, and i respect the undeniable right that he had to make that choice, and have given up on trying to pin some weakness or frailty on the decision. it's not my place to attach motives to someone else, and to judge their decisions. it was HIS LIFE. if this isn't a private matter, i don't know what is. how do i know what is in the heart of another human? i barely know my own.
L I F E is full of pain. and joy, boredom, sweat, inspiration, birth and rebirth, peace, toil, beauty, blood, tears, creation, death, work, success, achievement, laughter, stillness, movement, gossip, anger, dignity and indignity. he seems to have experienced all of these things, as have we all.
and death, at the end, or the middle or at the beginning, will be our fate. and someone else's death-by their own hand no less- triggers a deep fear for us about that fact, that we too, will die. for sure and sometime soon. even tho i am much less fearful of death, i still fight against the thought that i will die- as will my children and every one of my friends and basically every one of you.
and when someone we love dies- we rage against it, pull out our hair and beat our chest, wail, grieve, have bouts of incredible sadness, along with weeping and laughing and remembering the stories of our loved dead one, GOD we miss them! along with remembering how precious and fragile this short life is- and this what is called being a L I V E and human while in this particular world that we are in.
i felt these things come to me, as a sort of big billowy cloud like message... of maybe what it was like for my friend. i don't know. and i won't know until i see him again...happy travels, Robin,... i'll see ya when i do....